Those who know me know that I wake up early for sadhana*. Over the last few years, it has been a struggle to get up, and once I am on my mat, it has been a struggle to stay up. Once done, it hadn't felt that great because it was a struggle. Like showing up to meet someone with reluctance and then being annoyed the whole time you are with him. There are ups and downs to everything, and I was in a down period.
I long for the sadhana that I had when I started this practice; when I met it with anticipation. I prepared for that moment by doing the things that would support an early rise and cooperative mind and body.
My current lifestyle and responsibilities seemed to lend less time to take care of myself the way that I did in the past.
And I wondered if this story was a bunch of nonsense...
Yes, it was all nonsense. Just one big mindf-%$@.
No more wondering if I had enough sleep, what my day looks like, how I will feel in the morning, etc. As I go to bed, I commit to getting up at 4 am. I won't think about whether I can sleep a little longer, do some of it in the morning, and the rest before bed. Screw all of that. No more mind games. Don't think. Do I think about whether or not I should brush my teeth? No. Just do it, dammit.
It's the constant negotiating that makes everything so difficult. Some of us are concerned with how others will perceive our decisions, so we hem and haw. Some of us list pros and cons. Some of us sit, pray and wait for answers to come from the universe... in its own sweet time. The real answers? They are ultra spontaneous. The universe is ultra efficient, and we forget that. The extra time "needed" to make a decision is our personal need to either justify ourselves into the most comfortable option, or, because we don't trust ourselves enough, we wait for a sign to confirm a certain decision to be the right one.
We really do know what is good for us; what we need to make things happen for us. It takes more time, energy and suffering to negotiate and delay. Not only is it difficult for the individual caught in this constant duality; it also makes the individual more difficult to collaborate with. In turn, this individual can experience life as more difficult than it needs to be.
Being afraid is okay. Allowing it to add weight to your day - and then stretching it out until all the stars line up- is not.
*Sadhana begins, for me, at 4:30 am. My alarm goes off at 4:00, allowing me 30 minutes to show up for myself. Early morning sadhana is a practice of showing up for myself before I show up for anyone else. It is a discipline that helps me conquer the stuff that cause laziness, ineptitude, insecurities, confusion and judgment-- it helps me conquer duality, which is the voice that causes me to wonder if it is even wise to get up in the morning or do anything difficult and worthwhile in my life. Duality tells me that I am tired; that I should rest; that I worked hard and deserve a break today, when I know deep inside that the only break that I want is the joy that comes from accomplishment (in both do-ing and be-ing). Sadhana strengthens my mind, disciplines my body and activates my entire system to support who I am.
Kundalini Yoga Quotes:
“I’d never felt anything like it; it was just an opening of energy and a feeling of such liberation.” -Marika Bethel, owner, Glowing House